He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
