You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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