I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
