Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
