Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
