I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
