I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
