i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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