any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
