Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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