Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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