just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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