If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
