He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
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And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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