Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
