I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
