were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
ttyl tear gas
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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