marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
