now i know why i became what i already was.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
