Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
