i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
