I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
