I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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