she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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