The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
