Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
