hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
