nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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