a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
