I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
