i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
