I only kidnapped one of them. chill
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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