I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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