My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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