All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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