Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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