i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life