but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
