Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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