I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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