Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
