In the future we'll all be gay
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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