that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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