I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
