My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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