Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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