I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
