i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
