nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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