I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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