Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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