OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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