the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
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you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
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Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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