If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
