Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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