Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
